Alone?

I like drinking coffee alone, and reading alone. 

I like riding the train alone, and walking home alone. 

It gives me time to think, and set my mind free. 

I like eating alone, and listening to music alone. 

But when I see a mother with her child, 

a girl with her lover, 

or a friend laughing with their best friend, 

I realize that even though I like being alone, 

I don't fancy being lonely.

-Debated Authorship

I don’t have much time to be lonely. I’m much too busy. On an average day I wake up five minutes too late, drive a little too fast, drink a little too much hot chocolate, read a few too many books (is there such thing? When you should be doing Arabic, the answer is yes.), and get too little sleep. I run to class, run too work, run to various church activities, often just before I realize I’m actually early. I’m almost always with my roommates, classmates, friends, or family.

I do enjoy my alone time. I very much like having my own room in our apartment, and I even made a ‘cave’ under my bed in order to get farther away from the world.  When I’m by myself I like to write, either stories or music, or read, either stories or music (even though I guess reading music could be called playing music or something. Technicalities). I enjoy not worrying about disturbing others and feeling able to vocalize my most personal thoughts out loud.

But then I come home from taking an exhausting test to an empty dark apartment, I text a couple friends with no reply and I wonder if I, like the author of the poem above, actually like being alone.

Why do I like being alone?

Is it because I dislike people? I actually really like them. I think they’re fascinating creatures and make life interesting.

Is it because I think better alone? Actually, I think better when I’m talking out my problems.

I more like being alone because it’s an opportunity to escape judgement and situations outside of my comfort zone. I like it when everyone is happy, which is hard to do with crowds.

But maybe the answer isn’t just to avoid the people. I like writing by myself because I feel like I can say anything, but what’s even better is when I feel like I can say anything to another person. I like reading and getting sucked into another world, but that joy is doubled when I can then discuss that world with someone else. I like cooking by myself and not worrying “What if I burn something or this tastes horrible or so and so criticizes me for not throwing my milk out on the day it expires?!?”.

But that’s not the fault of the act of being with a person, the reason I fear that is because I fear being with the wrong person.

My now engaged roommate recently told me something her then boyfriend told her as they were saying goodnight “I hate being alone”. He’s actually not that much of a people person, but that’s the beauty of being in a relationship or having a best friend or a close family member: you get to be as honestly yourself as you are alone except with another person.

I once had the idea that being confident equaled not needing anyone’s approval which equaled being unattached. But more I’m learning that loving people and being vulnerable, while it allows you to get hurt and feel out of control, in a way, allowing yourself to feel allows yourself to be free.